Archive for the ‘Christmas’ Category
Is The Story Of Santa Claus Child Abuse…
Thursday, December 10th, 2009
This is a merry season, much more than any other holiday. When families gather (sometimes that’s a bad thing) to celebrate a multitude of things.
There are also many stories that go along with the season, namely Santa Claus. This isn’t the only season to resurrect a fictional deity for the benefit of imagination. Easter is another that comes to mind. That damn bunny leaving eggs all over your yard. Screw that. I’d rather have the presents Satan Klaws brings!
So, this all begs the question, why do we keep lying to our children about these fictional characters? I remember when I found out that Santa wasn’t real. It destroyed me. My mom gave me the standard bullshit that Santa wasn’t an actual person but represented love and happiness.
So tell your children that LOVE and HAPPINESS brought them the GI Joe with the Kung Fu grip!! Stop bullshitting your kids.
Instead of the Tooth Fairy, tell them it was Drunk Daddy Fairy.
Instead of the Easter Bunny, tell them it was Wheelchair Granny that left those eggs…and that’s why they smell so badly.
Instead of Santa, tell them it was The “I maxxed out my AmEx and now we’re fucked” Fairy! Because that’s closer to the truth than some fat, drunk, jolly fucker who flies around in a sled pulled by magic reindeer with glowing noses! That’s so stupid you might as well believe in a hippie who walked on water!!
Will Santa end up in Hong Kong with a bus load of hookers?
Friday, December 4th, 2009
Fiction by Tweed
Setting: North Pole, early morning on Christmas Eve. It’s a whirlwind of excitement as Santa and the elves get ready for another Christmas delivery. Santa’s pissed and the elves are tired. The reindeer are stupid, as usual. And Rudolph is coming down off a 4 day coke high.
“Alright, we have to load the sleigh, pack the cards, remember my GPS this year. I don’t want any more mistakes. Last year I ended up in the wrong country three times.
“This year I want Oreo’s, and lots of them. Those fucking kids leave the worst cookies. I had the shits for almost 2 months. How do you fuck up a cookie? You open the package, put it on a sheet, bake! It’s that goddamn simple. And I want fresh milk this year.
“Digger? Where the hell is Digger?”
“Right here Santa.”
“Digger, I want a fifth of Jack in that sled. Hell, after the first two million kids I need a drink.”
“Yes sir, Santa.” Digger was loyal to a fault.
“Where the hell is Rudolph? RUDOLPH!? Get your ass in here.”
Rudolph shuffles in. It has been a long year and he’s tired. The book tour, Oprah, all the morning shows. He was worn out. What he really needed was a vacation, about six weeks snorting coke off a hookers ass in Vegas. But that would have to wait. Santa needed him this year, really needed him. Blitzen was all fucked up. He had gotten into an argument with his wife and she had almost completely removed one of his testicles.
Comet and Cupid were fucking lazy. Dasher was coming down off a major meth addiction and Prancer got arrested for trying to mount a police officer in a park restroom. It was up to Rudolph, again, to hold this group together. He was tired of the responsibility. He just wanted to finish up this year and take his vacation.
“Rudolph, I’m counting on you again this year. You have to hold this group together. Look at them.” Santa swooshed a chubby arm at the group. “Just look at Vixen. She’s been mounted so many times I don’t think she has the energy to fly. It’s up to you. You have to rally the troops. Just one more time. Can you do it for me boy?”
“Yeah, I got your back Santa. But I want a paid vacation to Vegas when we get back. I’m tired of taking care of these screw ups!”
“I understand. Santa needs a little vacation with a ho, ho, ho and an 8-ball every once in a while too.”
So the sleigh was packed and the old man got all dressed up for another trip around the world. The shop was a whir of excitement as the elves scurried around making last minute preparations.
Gifts? Check.
List? Check.
Santa’s booze? Check.
Viagara? Check.
Santa needed his little pills on these long trips. It was going to be a long night and he had his share of hookups.
In Orlando he had been hooking up with a single mom for the last three years. In Boulder, Colorado he found some twins. Although his favorite spot was Melbourne, Australia. Four sorority girls he found last year. The only problem was that by the time the four sisters finished with him, he was almost too tired to continue on his appointed rounds. Last year Rudolph had to finish up the presents. Hundreds of thousands of parents couldn’t figure out why there was reindeer shit in their living rooms.
But Santa had a plan this year. He would skip the Orlando and Boulder houses and hit Melbourne first thing. He would still have the energy to make the rest of his rounds and get back in time for a little morning sex with Mrs. Claus. She was closing in on 150 years old but she could still give a great reach-around.
“On Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen. Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen….wait, where’s Rudolph?”
“Here I am.” Sniff, sniff.
“Ahh, a little pick-me-up before the flight, Rudolph?” Santa bellowed.
“Uh, yeah, something like that.” He turned to the rest of the reindeer. “Let’s go you fuckheads. And this year, keep your goddamn nose out of my ass. I’m sick of reindeer snot up there!”
“Ok, off we gooooooo!”
And they were off.
The elves watched Santa and the reindeer, led by Rudolph’s powder covered, glowing nose, shoot off in the sky.
“Think they’ll make it back here before New Years Eve this year?” Digger asked his assistant.
“I’m betting we find them in Hong Kong, mid-January, with a bus load of hookers and those midgets.” The assistant shook his head. He knew they’d have to go rescue Santa and the reindeer.
“Don’t forget about the donkeys. God I hate those fucking donkeys. The smell alone was enough to gag a maggot.”
And to all a good night!
Hank Stuevers…
Tuesday, December 1st, 2009
Tonight we turned off the TV and drove down to Full Circle Bookstore to hear Hank Stuevers read from his new book Tinsel.
As an avid reader, this was the first time I had been to a reading by an author. I have to tell you though, this was a little different. My wife is friends with this guy. They grew up together and they both wrote for the high school newspaper. Hank is now a feature writer for the Washington Post.
Tinsel is his second book and while I was excited to dive into it immediately, I decided instead to start with Off Ramp, his first book.
Anyway, back to the evening! If you’re not from Oklahoma, you don’t know about the BC Clark Christmas commercial. It’s a very famous commercial here and it defines Christmas in central Oklahoma. Megan Mulally (Will & Grace) even sang it on the Tonight Show one night.
Before Hank did his reading he asked if, when he was done, we would sing the song for him. Below is the video I shot of the performance. That’s my wife leading the pack.
I know, you’re thinking ‘so what?’ Well, if you grew up here, that song would have special meaning for you. It brings back lots of memories for me. To be honest, I could care less about BC Clark Jewelers. I would never buy jewelry from there because they are the Olive Garden of jewelers. I’ll put it this way, when you walk in and look at the salesmen, you see a LOT of pinky rings and chunk-nugget watches and bracelets. It’s not very classy.
Anyway, I thought this would be a nice start to the new Lint Upon Tweed blog. Stay tuned for more stories, fiction, and mayhem!